Living in the Australian bush

Image: Australian bushland

Let it be noted in the annals of all time: I am most definitely not a country girl. Let me preface my gripe against the countryside by saying I don’t mind dirt under my fingernails, I LOVE to dance in the rain, I’ve nothing against rocking a good old flannel shirt and adore gumboots for days!

What I mean, is that the only - and I mean it when I say the only thing I can’t stand about living in the Australian bush, is the vast amount of our countryside that is populated by severely poisonous, vastly venomous or downright volatile and predatory wildlife. 

I have many a friend and family member who is unphased by the constant presence of dangerous fauna in certain parts of the country; I, dear friend, am not like them.

I shrink at the thought of swooping magpies leering at me from the trees overhead as I walk my daughter to school, I edge warily around over-protective emus as they graze, surrounded by their offspring, I admire mama Kangaroos from afar - their joeys peeking out of a snuggly pouch while their aggressive looking papa kangaroos stand protectively over them and my heart wilts inside of me at the mere thought of the countless insects that I share my home and community with.

I am particularly struck with fear at the sight of a fleeting, shadowy figure moving across the wall of my home at lightspeed. The sight of three or four foreboding, black, hairy legs just barely peeking out from behind blinds or other furnishings is enough to make me hyperventilate. So dear reader, what is it like living in the Australian bush?: I say horrifying. Living in the Australian bush, is surviving the Australian bush.

Am I being tongue-in-cheek? A little bit haha, but mostly not. I’m Jessi, military wife and mama of three, navigating my first full-time Army posting. For ten months now, home has been Defence housing on a military base in the Australian bushland. We’ve always lived semi-rurally, but this is our first time living in a rural location and it’s been quite the adjustment. 

Winter is harsh, summer is harsher and there’s a distinct wet season and dry season here. I have revelled in the beauty of the winter just past; it’s quiet, icy cold and the frequent rain makes everything a shade of green, rarely seen in Australia. We’re now ten weeks into spring though and I have spent every second of each day since the seasons changed, dreading the summer to come. 

We moved here in early January this year during the height of summer. Full of hope and excitement at what the new year and new posting would hold. Little did I know that for most of every day until the end of April the theme music from the attack scenes in Jaws - or the infamous shower scene in Psycho - would play on a loop in my mind. Folks, my home was full of spiders. When I say full - I mean that they were emerging from drain pipes, crevices in walls and nooks in furniture on a daily basis for four whole months! And for anyone jumping to the conclusion that I must be talking about these babies:

Image: drawing of an Australian garden spider

… Do yourself a favour and google the term: “Huntsman spider”.

Image: drawing of an Australian Huntsman spider

Arachnids in the Australian bush aren’t going to say howdy do like Charlotte; these bad boys want to abduct your pet, take over your home and turn it into a cockroach racing ring! They are huge bird, amphibian and rodent eating spiders and they are ridiculously smart, opportunistic blighters. In all seriousness, they would camp out on our doorstep and the moment my kids or husband opened the door to go outside - they'd shoot inside like a rocket, looking for water and reprieve from the summer heat. 

Then there are the dangerous ones … the reason no sane Australian does outdoor life without a pair of shoes on. Have you ever seen anyone peer cautiously into their footwear? Furiously shaking shoes upside down and tapping them on the ground before putting them on is just everyday practice for most of us. One of the first things we teach our children, along with water & bushfire safety, is how to thoroughly check their shoes for spiders and how to identify the dangerous kind (think large, black and hairy with fangs long enough to build a kebab on or shiny with ominous red markings), lurking inside a crevice or under an overhang in the most unexpected place you could imagine; poised to strike the first hand that unintentionally makes contact. Suffice it to say … my bed buddy on the many many nights that hubby spends away from home is a can of Mortein. 

I love living on an Army base, there’s a certain way of life here that I feel so tremendously privileged to be a part of. There is also an incredible amount of beauty to living in the Australian bush. The native plants and wildflowers are stunning in spring and summer. There is always birdsong serenading you and the brilliant colours of the countryside after a long, rainy winter more than make up for the dry and dusty barenness of the summer landscape. 

Having said that; we’re putting our hands up for an inner city posting next cycle.

We’ll likely be back here in the bush one day, maybe sooner than we know, and on that day - you can bet your bottom dollar the exterminator will be in tow!

Tell me friends, do you have a horror arachnid story of your own? Share it in the comments below … seriously… please tell me I’m not the only one!!!