A supernatural mama - living by God’s power.
“Please Lord … I need to be a supernatural mama, I need to be able to look at my life and say: only by God’s Power”. This was my desperate prayer not too many months ago, when I realised that I had long ago exhausted any hope of being a half-way decent parent by my own knowledge, physical strength or emotional resilience.
I’ve held a plethora of job titles in my 32 years: from customer service assistant in the food industry, to pharmacy technician/manager, to youth worker, to youth pastor, to special needs teacher and a few i’ve likely forgotten along the way. If you also have worked any of these jobs at any age or stage of life; you’ll likely recognise that within all of these positions, everyday scenarios can quickly become high stakes, high adrenaline situations that require a steady head and quick thinking. The kind where even a simple mistake can have far-reaching consequences. Yet, I kid you not when I say that despite more than a decade of mentoring, training, serving, assisting and leading others - parenting left me floored. I have worked with drug addicted clients, non-verbal individuals with high needs and physically abusive youth with self destructive behaviours, but never have I encountered a more physically, spiritually or emotionally draining experience than raising a child.
I LOVE being a mama - these days, motherhood is literally my heart’s joy, but once - it was a battle for survival. Like many young mamas, I struggled intensely with the transition to motherhood. I felt myself morphing from an independent, capable, trusted, sought after employee - to a nervous, exhausted, overwhelmed mother. From spontanteous, self-driven, fun-loving individual to delirious, burned out, nap seeking monster. I endured months, years even, where I didn’t recognise myself or even like myself very much. I had no patience, no creativity and no joy in my day-to-day life. I longed to find myself again and so envied my friends and acquaintances for whom motherhood was a literal walk in the park. They revelled in sunshine and cuddles and memories made with their child while I barely survived my first 4 months as a parent on 1 hour of sleep each night. They went to salons and had wine and cheese nights with friends while I wore Pajamas until 3pm and ate copious amounts of unhealthy snacks, looking to ride a sugar high for a couple of hours.
Much to my dismay, no amount of occupational work - even in exhausting, high pressure situations, could have prepared me for being someone’s literal lifeline. I felt so ashamed and so deeply inadequate. I would come to learn as my parenting journey progressed that these are favourite tools in the enemy’s arsenal; instilling shame and a sense of failure. After all, how effective can we be as parents if our identity is shame and our mode is failure to thrive?
To be brutally honest; I spent much of my first year or so as a parent, longing to return to those fast-paced, high stakes jobs where I was a hero. My efforts were regularly affirmed by others and I loved the rush of the unknown. I was confident in my identity as an individual and as a team member and I knew my strengths and weaknesses. Parenting was a whole new ball game. Overwhelmed by the loneliness, the isolation and the monotony; oh how regularly I pleaded with God to change my heart. I wanted so much to fall in love with motherhood. To find the purpose and joy in this season of my life that other women had found in theirs. I was so sure that my entire mindset, my capabilities and my enjoyment level of motherhood would completely change If I delighted in this season more than anything. And so for two long years, I begged God to help me love motherhood. Slowly, but surely my heart did begin to change and with it my joy in motherhood, but it still wasn’t the answer I’d been searching for.
Within two years of becoming a parent, I’d grown to love parenting more than anything in the world, but all I’d done was replace the idol of fear in my life with the idol of motherhood (and unrealistic expectations at that!). The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines an idol as an object of worship {false god}, an imposter and a false conception, among other terms. Just as shame, failure and fear of the same had once occupied my mind disproportionately, those intrusive thoughts had now been replaced with a love for motherhood that I had allowed to grow into worship of motherhood. I cocooned myself in my identity of mama - one that I now cherished with all of my heart - hoping to shut out the fear and anxiety that once consumed me. It didn’t take long though for me to realise that I’d traded one false identity for another. Where the enemy used to whisper that I was a shameful failure, now he whispered that motherhood is all I need, that it would meet every need in my life. But both of those couldn’t be further from the truth.
Thankfully, we have an ever-present lifeline in God and he waited patiently for another two years or so for me to realise that making life all about me and what I could accomplish, what I was equipped for or how awesome I could be for my children, was a recipe for burnout. This brings us to my plea above and my ongoing quest to learn to live by God’s power and lean on His strength for my daily journey as a mama. I don’t just need to be a supernatural mama - I have to be one. There will literally never be enough patience, wisdom, strength, energy or creativity in my soul for my little ones and my husband if I'm running on my own steam. But to be filled with the Holy Spirit; to be supernaturally inspired by God at every turn: that is where my identity lies. In the knowledge that I will never be enough, and that is okay, because I’m fueled by the one who is: I can find rest. Rest for a weary soul and a rest for a mind that has far too long been overwhelmed by shame of past failures and fear of the future. I no longer aspire to be a perfect mama, but I seek everyday to be a supernatural one.
“...Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is F R E E D O M.”
2 Cor. 3:17
